suicidal | via Tumblr on We Heart It
Is it over? Or am I just dreaming? Dreaming about that one missing piece from that star above, hoping to find it. They say you’ll find that little piece when you stop searching. But how can I stop when I hven’t even started yet?
I wonder, is it even possible for me to gain my goal, happiness and peace, when I feel like I’m the only one whos trying. Being whole today and then again, ripped apart tomorrow. Is that what life is supposed to be like?
I believe in myself, I dream all the time, but why do I feel so hopeless and lonely? Even though my dearest friends are all around me, I’m that red dragon, who scares everyone, and with it’s firebreathing abilities making the loved ones run away screaming.
So what am I doing? Just sitting on the cliff, looking at the stars and trying to stay calm. I’m already used to this - being all alone. Maybe just now I can finally understand, what I really am.
I’ve lost everything I ever had. Now I’m not dreaming or believeing anymore. It’s over. Where’s the curse of the sun, the moon and the stars? Now all I can do is to enjoy the pain.
That’s why they say: “Kill the demon today, face the devil tomorrow.” Now I am my own Devil. I am my own enemy.
"And then I found out how hard it is to change. Even hell can get comfy once you’ve settled in. I just wanted the numb inside me to leave. No matter how fucked you get, there’s always hell when you come back down. The funny thing is all I ever wanted, I already had. There’s glimpses of heaven in every day. In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel. I just had to start again." - BMTH
And now, look where it has brought me. Like the sun, the moon, the stars. Feelings don’t seem to be that far anymore, and the disappointment. Closer than ever. It might be the end even though there’s other ways where to go. The sun, the moon, the stars. It isn’t enough. It can’t be enough. There’s always going to be something inside me that makes me feel pain. Wars, the terror, loneliness. It makes sence in other ways. It takes away the leaves in Autumn and brings back new ones in Spring. Changes. Confusion. Wearing their crowns, cause they have what it takes - the madness, courage, people.
Time is up. There’s nothing we can do about it anymore. And then we all found out how hard it is to change, when the danger fills our soul and the hell is our comfy bed, without the sun, the moon & the stars.